Roasts are Good Left-Overs

"Why bother with the niceties?"
"You're right. We should cut off the candle light and the nice dinner I had planned. The roast is already in the oven, but..."
"You could kiss me now."
"I thought you wanted to edit out the extras."
"Oh, right. Well, we could skip to the --"
"Why don't I just put on a movie?"
"I'll bring the coffee in."

They settled onto the couch, each glad the other wanted so little. Just a warm body and a sub-par film.

Professional Communication

She sighed, again. "It's not what you say, it's how you say it."
"I hate you." I said it very sweetly.
"Better."

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I met Jesus last night. He is a vagrant and the Master of Funk. Where he walks, technicolor lights and a Bootsy Collins soundtrack blossom in the air.

I knew who he was the moment I saw him stumbling, drunkenly, down the beach. "Oh, Lord," I said. "It's you. What the Hell happened, Jesus?" He did a tumbly dance and fell back on the sand.

"What was I supposed to do?" he replied. The light show flared in time with the trombones and the sun going down.

Jesus is the Master of Funk. And this is a true story.

I Forgot My Heart at Home

The pansies waggled their little heads in the breeze and we lay there side by side but I couldn't hear him breathe. Oh, he was there, all right. Just not completely. Who was I to judge, half a woman as I was?

Eve's Revenge

In the Lord’s image Adam was made
But he couldn’t get laid
So from Adam’s rib I was created
I think that means that we are related

Adam was a pretty bad boyfriend
Lord, he never treated me right
He came home drunk every night

After one terrible fight
I took my split lip to the apple tree
Just one bite was enough to make him realize
I was the only woman alive

Well, there were so many trees to choose from
The cherry, the plum, but I took knowledge and started to run
I’m getting out I’m getting out I’m getting out
I’m getting out of Paradise today

We were both told to leave Eden
I moved to Sweden
I feel completed (his profile deleted)
Where ever Adam went to
I’ll never need to know

God’s garden won’t grow
And Satan, my roommate, is digging a very large hole
It is going to be a nudist beach, I’m told
I can’t wait to go swimming.

Your Presence is No Longer Required

Everything of importance is on the computer and backed up in two places.
Do I still have to be here?

That their limbs can hang so tight for
Ever and so long and heavy,
That they should grab hold the height and
Swing under over hardly hardly steady,

That the cold freeze fingers blue for
Reasons like flight and breathlessness,
That the world past chain links grew but
Held no cure for restlessness,

Girlfriends are Great

Whenever Sarah reminds me to take out the trash, I consider asking her to leave. But she does a lot of nice things. For example, she likes me. So I turn up the volume and crack another MGD.

I Could Have Gone to Fiji

I decided to visit my childhood today
The trees were much larger than I remember
and the road stretched much farther out ahead
The cat and the mouse quite clearly fought
While rain puddles became
Lakes for swimming in
By pursing my lips and closing my eyes
I became, convincinly, the bugle, then the band
It's a serious game I'm playing
With forget-me-nots and lilies

Why Science is Bad for You

I learned yesterday that Leo DaVinci wrote a treasty on the impossibility of perpetual motion. I feel that this explains a good deal about his personality. No wonder he was so hung up on that Lisa chick.

Dude, she was not that hot.

They Called it my "Earth" Phase

All of my paintings are in brown because I threw out the other tubes of acrylic in a fit. It was supposed to reflect an artistic rebellion. Sometimes one should think before acting.

Notes From the Underground

Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Bot discussing:

D: Why are you here?
B: Don't you know?
D: No.
B: Neither do I. Should I be worried?
D: Probably.

Dad's Day

I went for a hike yesterday, and I thought of you. Remember Pyramid Falls, where the water flowed all around us? And at Point Reyes, climbing up Eagle Ridge? And in the Palisades, where everything else looked so small, except the peaks, which looked like steaks...

I drew a picture yesterday, and I thought of you. Remember how you always bring a sketch book, and one of those hard blue pencils, everywhere you go? I was always so astonished that you didn't want an eraser. There are only happy accidents, I guess.

I went to the museum yesterday, and I thought of you. Remember when you read Marc Chagall's biography to me, and I was nine? And when we went to Florence to see the big art? And when, in Paris, the first place we went was not the Louvre, but Picasso's...

I had to deal with people yesterday, and I thought of you, Mister Shades of Grey. It made me curious about what they were really trying to say.

Unwanted Neighbors

Aphrodite has been sitting for thirteen weeks in the peach tree, but so far I have refused to make contact. Today she moved to the stile and I had to climb over her just to get out of the house. Some days I think I should just run up and say to her, “All right, I give in. Now leave me alone.” But even then, I think she would only move into my extra bedroom—it’s meant for guests.

Earth is a Wench

My brother was a fire fighter. He was good at fighting fires, too. But I guess Nature is one of those women; you know, the ones who put up with you until you rearrange their shit too many times.

And He Was on a Platform

Two Forks in A Wood

I don't think we should go down this path.
You are far too sensitive when I ignore your calls.
Maybe we can try again tomorrow.
When my friends aren't around.

I Never Learned How to Form a Question Properly?

I read once--well, I've actually read a lot of times--but one time really hangs with me because it was about being in love with soap and mice in brown suits, supposedly.

Two questions have haunted me since. One, I did not know mice wore suits? If I had known that, perhaps I would not have killed so many? And Two, I would not be in love with something that dehydrates my skin so much?

Then again, I did not write the book.

Elba Seems Like a Nice Place

Napoleon and I are the same height, according to the wax museum.
I wonder what else we have in common.
A lust for world domination and a penchant for ermine collars, certainly.
Fondness of rural Italy in the summer.
Stomach cancer--man, I hope not.

What's in Your Wallet?

Don't forget to go crazy.

I wrote it as a side note (in pencil) on my grocery list. I am absent minded, sometimes, and it would be unfortunate to have that fall through the cracks.

Un sure

We all need
reassurance
so don't
beat yourself up
but I
certainly don't
want yours.
Anymore.

Bell

Bring out
your dead
said the bells
on the ankles
of the body
collectors

No dead
in here
no not
anymore
we lowered
them into
the garden
out back

You may
take them
if you like.